A peek at the diary of ...
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'David, George needs our help, so get out there and tell the world he's lost it. I have stuff to buy'
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'My debut on the Home Shopping Network set a new sales record, reminding the world that everything I touch turns to nine-carat gold'
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'This movie isn't a "game changer", it's a civilisation changer'
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'My answerphone message says, "I'll do it." How is it possible that I have no cash?'
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'I'm too old for all that standing up and singing lark'
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'I hit number one on my speed dial. "Mummy?" I breathed expectantly. But that cow Carol was already round there'
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'It's great to be able to carry on my father's work, as the torch of crass insensitivity is passed on to the next generation'
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'I've been oddly drawn to Wallis Simpson, the super-lean, hard-faced American commoner who controversially married an Englisman'
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'I've landed a role on the London stage! My character's name is Jeannie – although it's spelt "Genie", which must be a British thing'
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How does Alesha Dixon really feel after usurping her one-time Strictly Come Dancing mentor Arlene Phillips? John Crace can only imagine…
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'This could be the end of the world as we know it.' Well, Dan Brown's world, that is, says John Crace
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Is the guy from the Dragons' Den contractually obliged to act like a hugely self-satisfied arse, wonders Marina Hyde
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The New Labour spin meister turned psychotherapist tries to get OK! magazine interested in his new baby's first poo. Imagine that!
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Marina Hyde imagines what the X Factor judge makes of the changes for the new season
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'I know people may be bored of our divorce now… but it's been incredibly stimulating for me creatively'
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My name is Paula Abdul, and I am no longer held back by America's highest rating television show
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'Cut me in half and the words straight-talking Yorkshireman run right through me. Even though I live in a mansion in Berkshire'
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'My wilderness years are over. I am to co-host Loose Women, the ITV daytime show in which four women sit around a table and cackle about willies'
A peek at the diary of David Hasselhoff
How will the Hoff explain the latest rumours of a relapse, wonders Marina Hyde